You Can’t Force Sharing: Respecting A Child’s Property Rights

Every human being has an essential claim to their property. The most basic form of property rights is that of the self. Each individual owns their own body; this applies to children as well. The idea of “property rights” seems a bit disconnected and materialistic on the surface, but when you think of it in terms of self-ownership and what stems from there, it is perhaps fundamental to living a free life. Because I own myself, I also own what I create with my bodily labor, and what I do with the fruits of my labor is my choice. I can give my creations to someone else voluntarily. I can trade my creations with someone else. I can keep my creations. Anyone who attempts to violate my body, or the fruits of my labor is acting in an unethical manner and is violating the non-aggression principle. This can apply to parenting as well.

Here are some basic examples of a child’s property:

• Their own body
• Gifts received from others
• Allowances or money earned from chores
• Toys they purchased with their money

There are also some other things I like to think of as our children’s that may not technically be their property. One example is that the house we purchased belongs to me and my husband, but since we are a family, there are some things about the house that we extend ownership to the kids– their bedrooms, for example. It is especially important to give each child their own space to call their own, a place where they can be alone if they don’t want to be around others, a place where they can have some privacy, and a place where they can decorate, arrange, etc. as they wish. Children do not get a lot of control in the big scheme of things (we decide where they go to school, where they live, who they interact with, etc.), so it is important to their well-being to give them as much control as we can to foster an appreciation for liberty and self-sovereignty.

As stated above, there are three things a person can do with their property: keep it, give it away, or trade it. I suppose one could destroy their property, too, but we’ll keep that under the “keep it” category for now. Here are some obvious ways a child can experience property rights:

• Max receives a spooky ghost toy trick-or-treating and trades it with his friend for a chocolate bar.
• Rose purchases a writing journal with her money earned from washing dishes
• Leo was gifted a Bible he decides to keep and study

These are all basic and probably what most parents would already do with their children. A more unconventional take on property rights is that it isn’t worthwhile or just to force children to share with one another. Sharing is a particularly important and wonderful trait in a person and one that we should highly encourage of all children, but it should never be forced. After all, “forced sharing” is oxymoronic. If it is forced, it isn’t sharing.

We picked up a Peppa Pig book for the kids a couple years ago. In this book, little George brought his toy dinosaur to the park, and George’s friend brought his own toy to the park. They were playing splendidly. Their parents thought it would be a good idea for George and his friend to swap toys in order to get them “to share”. Well, that made George and his friend upset. They didn’t want to share, and both started crying.

Sometimes we are told as parents that we need to make sure our kids become so good at sharing that we forget that forcing it will cause animosity and isn’t a good way to demonstrate the benefits of sharing. It also creates a sense of entitlement. If someone is taking my toy, then I’m entitled to take someone else’s toy because that’s “sharing.” But as mentioned above, that’s not sharing; it’s taking something that belongs to another, without their permission, AKA stealing. Not to mention it sends the message that whining, or crying is a good way to get what I want.  And by forcing George to “share” his toy, a bit of trust was lost between George and Mummy Pig. To force sharing, a parent must forcibly take something from one child which will erode trust over time. It shows the child that their wants and needs aren’t as important as another child’s and that parents (and other authority figures later in life) get to decide who gets what and when. It removes autonomy from the child. As good as her intentions may have been, we should try not to be like Mummy Pig.

If we want to show our kids that sharing is a good thing to do so that when they’re older, they will want to share their property with others (to help those in need, to donate to charities, to do volunteer work, etc.), we must demonstrate it in our daily lives: share when we’re playing with the kids, share with our partners, share when we’re out and about, and be open about charitable donations and any volunteer work we do. Children absorb and mimic so much of the kinds of behaviors they witness on a daily basis. By forcing our children to “share” their toys with their siblings or friends, we create animosity within their relationships and even within the act of sharing itself. So, although the intentions are admirable, the unseen consequences may be the exact opposite of what we want from our children.

As I’m writing this, I have three children (ages 5, 3, and 1) who have been having a difficult time sharing toys. There have been moments when I’ve been so frustrated with the bickering and screaming over toys that I completely understand wanting to take the authoritarian role and force them to “share” (in fact, I’ve forced them to trade toys on occasion when I just couldn’t take it anymore. If you find yourself doing this, just remember when you have a clear head, apologize to your children. They’ll appreciate your honesty and by witnessing your genuine apology, they’ll learn to have the confidence to apologize when they’ve done something wrong.) But the forced sharing didn’t help. At their ages, they’ll fight over toys even if we force them to “share.” They’re in the process of subconsciously pushing boundaries and learning the principles of ownership and entitlement and understanding how relationships work. So, what can be done? Here are some ideas:

• Nothing. A lot of times, you can simply leave them alone and they will figure it out themselves. It’s good to stand back and observe to understand what the situation is so if you do need to step in, you can see what’s going on to make a fair judgement. It’s also extremely fascinating to witness their minds working and see how they work things out. A lot of times, they can work it out without our interference.
• Make sure to demonstrate sharing while you’re involved in play time. If they see you sharing, and they are involved in the sharing process, they’ll get a better grasp on it from the hands-on learning experience.
• Use reason. Let’s give the kids a bit of credit. Explain to them that you understand why they’re upset and that sharing can be difficult. But sharing can also make play time more fun if everyone gets to play with all the toys.
• Set timers for common toys when necessary. If there are toys that belong to the whole family, or something like the television as they get older, allow one child to play with the toy for a certain amount of time. Once the timer is up, it’s the other child’s turn. It’s important to note that this only applies to toys that belong to all of the children, communally, not a child’s personal toy (birthday present, personally purchased, etc.)

When we respect our child’s possessions, we teach them to respect other people’s possessions. When we demonstrate sharing, we teach our children that sharing can be fun. Sharing isn’t built through force. When we build sharing through trust, our children will develop the confidence to share on their own, and all the while, we’re all respecting each other’s property rights.