Teaching Children About Consent

              Teaching our children about consent is perhaps the most important thing we can do as parents. When children understand the concept of consent, they learn to respect other people’s autonomy and are less likely to be abused. The most basic right that every individual has is bodily autonomy. Everything else we might value as a society (peace, freedom, equality, prosperity, etc.) stems from that essential claim. We cannot have peace if people do not have a claim to their bodies. By definition, we cannot have freedom without ownership of our bodies. We can have no form of equal human rights if some people have the claim of autonomy while others do not. We could never see potential prosperity fulfilled without having the claim to our bodies and creations.

              So how do we instill this important principle to become a kind of automatic response to all interactions? Like most things, children learn by absorbing what they witness. So we need to demonstrate how consent works in our daily lives by modeling the appropriate behavior.

              A really simple one to start with is to ask permission before hugs. Don’t ever force your children to hug relatives or friends. Instead of saying, “give Grandma a hug goodbye!”, try saying, “would you like to give Grandma a hug goodbye?” Never force it. Forcing hugs teaches your child that their bodily autonomy doesn’t matter, that Grandma’s feelings are more important than your child’s bodily autonomy, and that they should do something even if it makes them uncomfortable. This may upset Grandma and might be awkward to deal with if we were raised thinking we had to hug relatives and if our relatives expect us to insist our children do the same, but as a parent, we must be our child’s advocate.

              During play time, when tickling or rough housing, make sure to stop when your child says stop, even when they’re laughing! As we know, tickling forces a laugh and smile, but that doesn’t mean the child is enjoying it. It is fun and many children do enjoy it but check in with them while you’re wrestling or swinging them around. As soon as they say, “no more!” then that’s it.

              Allow them the opportunity to say “no” to activities they don’t want to do or are scared of doing. Respect that they may not be ready or comfortable. “I understand you don’t want to go down the slide today. Try it when you’re ready. Let’s go swing.” Saying something like, “you’re a big boy! Go down the slide. It’ll be fun” might seem like you’re encouraging them to try something new, but it disregards their feelings and might actually prolong their unwillingness to go down the slide.

              Give them control over their bodies. I even feel weird about saying “give” them control over their bodies as if I’m the one who can give them control. They already have the control. We just need to make sure we’re allowing them to control things at age-appropriate times. Let them wash themselves in the bath. Let them get their hair cut when and how they want. Let them eat what they want. Let them decide when they are finished with their meal. Let them decide cosmetic changes to their body (piercings, clothing, hair dye, etc.)

              People often confuse the idea that allowing children control leads them to being whiny and entitled. However, if they’re entitled to anything, it is their body. As a parent, I do not own my children and their bodies. I do have some authority that is deferred to me simply because they lack the cognitive capability to decide everything in their lives. So if my children feel entitled to control what is done to their bodies, I call that a success in parenting. But the kind of entitlement that older generations complain about is more likely coming from being forced to share growing up—forced sharing that the older generations instilled onto their children.  

              Bodily consent is important, but there are other kinds of consent that need to be taken into consideration as well:

• Consent to enter private spaces (bedrooms by knocking). Everyone should have an expectation of privacy throughout their lives, including children.
• Consent with taking and posting photos. This was a difficult one for me and something I’ve been working on. I recently removed pictures that show my children’s faces on social media. I want to share them with the whole world! But I don’t want to be creating their online presence before they’re old enough to understand what it means and before they’re able to consent to it. The internet, and social media, specifically, is such a new thing that we don’t even think of it as potentially invading their privacy. When my oldest was four, I was taking a photo of him and he said, “no don’t!” and I was taken aback a bit. I realized that I was so used to taking photos of him even during very intimate moments, and that I hadn’t even considered whether he was ok with it.
• Call them by what name they want to be called. For example, my 5-year-old likes to pretend everyone in our family is a different Spiderman character. But sometimes my 3-year-old doesn’t want to participate and gets mad when he’s being called “Harry” (Spiderman’s best friend). If he wants to be called by his real name, we should respect that. On the flipside, if we’re playing and he wants to be called “Harry,” then let him be Harry for the time being.

              Consent is something that is absolutely essential to living in a free society. If one of our goals in parenting is to raise a generation of free, independent, happy, and peaceful people, consent is one of the most important things to instill into our children. On an individual level, if we force kids to do things that make them uncomfortable enough times, it may lead them to accept that discomfort in other relationships throughout their lives, which could potentially make them more susceptible to falling into abusive relationships. As our children’s advocates, we must never allow our children to betray themselves for the expectations of others. If they are uncomfortable hugging, participating in an activity, etc., and we think they must act only to not upset someone else or to not look weird among their peers, re-evaluate, and remember to do what is best for your child.