Free Speech and Anti-Censorship Parenting
Though it may not be stated directly as a fundamental tenet of anarchism or libertarianism, to be anti-censorship very much aligns with the kind of “live and let live” approach to parenting I promote. Censoring individuals’ speech leads to dishonesty and distrust. It’s important to always let your children speak their mind, but I think it’s also important to let them consume things they are interested in, even if we as parents might be hesitant at first. I’ll focus a bit on speech, but also quite a bit on media consumption and why I think it’s OK to let go of a little control in that aspect.
Regarding speech, we do not censor what we talk about as a family. Nothing is off-limits. If my kids want to ask me about death, or where babies come from, or any other uncomfortable question, there’s no legitimate reason for me to censor the truth. There are age-appropriate ways to discuss things, but you don’t have to do so at the expense of the truth. And it’s good for parents to think about why certain topics may be uncomfortable to talk about with their children. If something is uncomfortable for you to talk about, it’s probably because you weren’t allowed to talk about it as a child.
Another aspect regarding speech, which my husband and I don’t always see eye-to-eye on, is swearing. I admittedly have a bit of a potty mouth. I didn’t try to censor myself when I started having kids because 1) I never swear to be mean to anyone. I don’t call anyone names. I don’t swear to disrespect anyone. 2) when I swear, it’s always to emphasize my feelings. It’s a good release. 3) There is a huge difference between saying, “I burned the fucking pizza” and saying, “you’re being a little fucker”. It has nothing to do with the f-word, and everything to do with how you’re using it. It’s better to say, “I burned the fucking pizza” than “you’re being a little poop head”. I used a swear word in the first phrase, but not in the second. Which is worse to say? It’s about respect, and it’s also about authenticity.
Also, when it comes to swearing, if it’s something you draw a lot of attention to when your kids do it, they’re going to want to keep doing it, whether you’re laughing about it, or scolding them for it. To me, swearing is just a natural part of language, so I don’t make a big deal about it. My children aren’t potty mouths, and if they drop the occasional swear word, at least they’re using it in the appropriate context.
Now, if we’re visiting someone else’s home, and they have a no-swearing rule, or we’re with someone who doesn’t like swearing, we will respect their rules and won’t swear. But that’s not an anti-swearing approach, that’s a pro-property rights approach. And if you genuinely do not want your children to swear for whatever reason and want to curb them toward more “clean” language, just make sure you’re practicing what you preach and aren’t swearing yourself.
When it comes to media consumption, I believe that much in the same way kids like to do things like climbing up high playground equipment and jumping off furniture to test their physical limits, kids are always looking to test their mental limits as well.
If a parent is too strict on the kind of media their children consume, I believe it can backlash. Much like the black-market analogy in my last post about laissez-faire parenting, if you heavily censor media, there is a good possibility of them just sneaking around you to consume it if it’s something they’re really interested in. They might feel left out with their peers. And if you’re really strict, they’ll have to rely on boomer parent information about culture. To me, censoring too much is a form of indoctrination and diminishes the ability to think critically if they’re only able to consume “approved” content.
How can a child discover a love of something if they aren’t exposed to it? When you censor things from a child, you aren’t just censoring the things you think are bad, you will inevitably censor things that could be of great interest to your child.
But aren’t there dangers to unrestricted internet access, for example? Yes, of course. I don’t believe you should encourage your 8-year-old to go to adult chat rooms (if chat rooms are still a thing), but you should be honest with your child and yourself. Your child will be exposed to things you do not approve of at some point in their life. This is inevitable, even if it’s once they reach adulthood. I would much rather have my child feel comfortable to talk about things with me that they are exposed to, than to have them try to hide it from me. I want them to be able to navigate new and uncomfortable circumstances when I’m not around. Over-censoring what your child can say or consume can shelter them from knowing how to behave in certain circumstances.
There are things that I don’t allow my kids to watch, but they are limited. For example, anything with sexual content, or graphic violence isn’t appropriate for my children. But I don’t censor these things because of what society thinks is necessary or because of their age. I do so because I know my children well and know it would be too much for them to handle at this point in their lives. And I explain to them that they can’t watch it now because of X reason, but they can watch it when they’re a bit older. Nothing is completely off-limits forever. If by chance my oldest comes across something too scary, for example, and he gets scared at night or has nightmares, I explain to him that it’s probably because of whatever he watched and he self-censors himself and says he’s not ready to watch it yet because he doesn’t like being scared at night. He was allowed to test his limits, and now he knows what some of those limits are.
Because I’m so open with them about why I don’t allow certain programming, and they are able to watch a lot of stuff others might think are not “age-appropriate,” they’re honest with me about everything. All I need to say to them is that if there’s a video they come across on YouTube, for example, that they’re not sure of watching, ask me, and I’ll check it out. So they’ll say, “hey mom, can I watch this?” I’ll watch it and decide based on what I think. My oldest will straight up ask me to watch a movie he is interested in after he goes to sleep so I can help him decide if it’s something he’s ready to watch. Some PG-13 movies are appropriate for my 5-year-old, but others are not. A one-size-fits all approach to media consumption doesn’t work.
Giving children the freedom of choice allows them to test their limits and keep things honest. My children can be open with me about their fears, etc. because they know they won’t be punished for watching something that may have scared them. Just remember when you set a rule in your home, that you have a reason for that rule. So if you think something isn’t appropriate for your child to consume, make sure you have child-centric reasons for those rules.
These might be controversial takes, but I believe that censoring what your children can do will lead them to hide things from you and could deprive them of something they love. Some families are very strict about screen time. I’m quite lenient with screen time, and now my son makes up and acts out movies and video games with his brother. For Christmas he was gifted a device that allows him to draw and create his own video games. This allows him to pursue creativity in ways he wouldn’t have been able to do if I hadn’t allowed him the opportunity to find a love of video games.
I purposefully never set a screen time limit for my children because prior to having kids, I always saw other people’s children throw tantrums when they were forced to be done with screen time. When you only allow kids to do something they love for a short amount of time, they are more likely to throw a fit when you take it away. So because my children know they can play on their tablets pretty much any time, they usually aren’t glued to them all day because they know they don’t have to take advantage of every available minute to watch them. And they don’t throw a fit when I ask them to stop playing for whatever reason (with rare exception). It seems to me like people fearmonger over videos games, digital media consumption, and screens in general way too much. Whether we like it or not, screens and digital media are going to be a huge part of our children’s futures. Some people choose to live off-grid, digital-free lifestyles and that is beautiful and wonderful, but I think for most people, all of this technology is here to stay. I’m glad my kids will be able to go into the world with an understanding of how these things work.
All of this applies to non-digital media like books, magazines, and games as well. Too much censorship leads to narrow views of the world and deprives children of things they would otherwise be very interested in and passionate about. When we shelter our children from things we don’t approve of, we are potentially hindering their ability to grow, to think critically, and to explore new things.
Additional Resources:
I didn’t want to go too far into the effects on screen time in this piece, but I want to include this article that explains why a lot of the studies on the effects of screen time on children are flawed, and maybe why we shouldn’t fear screens too much: The Truth About Research on Screen Time
I also wanted to include this article that showcases some of the potential benefits of swearing: Why Swearing is Good For Us